Pamphlet

Manila.
The walls were that washed out yellow.
Sick skin tone paint job.
Trying not to look at the walls, my eyes wandered over to the chairs.
Sharp, angular, metal and plastic.
Keeps you awake.
Anything more comfortable would put you to sleep, and we can’t be sleeping.
Have to remember all of this, they said.
It was too cold
Not cold enough to turn the walls blue.
And the crush crush crush of the wax paper underneath was starting to hurt.
Just the sound, ricocheting off raw nerves.
Crush Crush Crush.  
Manila manila manila.

There was a long waiting period.
Before he came back.
And I just lied there.
The tiles from the ceiling were going in and out of focus.
Count them.
One two three four…don’t cry.
Don’t cry.
Five, Crush, Manila.

A magazine, with this smiling baby.
Toothless, grinning, mocking.
I could hear it talking.
“Mama. Mama. Mama.”
Shut up shut up shut up.

Air conditioning, it just kept humming.
Needed to keep moving to stay warm.
Medicinal frostbite is what they were doing.
Trying to freeze me. Trying to freeze it out. No no no.
Just stay in motion.
Crush. Crush.
Mama.

He came back.
No sleeping, he said.
No sleeping.
You’ll need to be awake.
To remember.
So it never happens again. So you don’t think this is ok.
Now LAY down!
I grabbed the sides of my hospital gown
and cried while whimpering, it hurts.
I don’t want to hear it, he said. Shut up shut up shut up.
Bleach, heavy bleach.
Disinfectant, steal, and antibacterial gunk in bottles, tubes, and dispensaries.
Clean, the counter tops were so brilliant.
Jar of dry cotton balls, cotton swabs, giving me
cotton mouth.
The corners caked with parched medical powder.
  They were dehydrating me.
  Freeze it out, dry it out.
Lips shredded, divided, sore and bleeding.
Constant licking, waiting for healing.  
It just makes it worse, he said. Stop that now. And please lay down.
The baby mocking the walls vomiting
Doctor says just sit still now.

And that machine, so angry and vibrant!
The buzz so loud and arrogant.
And me, just laying there, swearing, my fingers and toes were turning black.
            I was beginning to shrivel and sear.
            I was.
And Doctor said to a nurse I only now noticed,
She’ll have no idea what’s happened.
But I do.
Oh I do.
I remember them trying to mummify me.

A pinch, some pressure.
Suck suck suck.
That seaweed, that pissed off machine.
            It’s eating me!
Doctor said, LAY STILL!
Nurse just shook her head.
Almost over.

Don’t let it happen again, they said.
That baby shrugged and says “maybe next time”
Jeering toothless bastard.
You need to get clean they said.
Junkie swollen bellies
With addicted infants
Waiting lists for welfare.

Manila prison cemetery.
Don’t let it happen again young lady.
Just don’t let it happen again.